I would love to help you out. Which way did you come it?

Men socialise by insulting each other, but they don't really mean it.
Women socialise by complimenting each other, and they don't really mean it either.

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. :- Mark Twain.

If you can not fix it with duct tape or a whisky it ain't worth fixing.

Bumper sticker .:- My middle finger salutes you.

Nappies & politicians should be change often, both for the same reason.

Save the planet. I say why? The planet is file, the people are fucked!

Christmas is cancelled. Apparently, YOU told Santa that you have been GOOD this year. He died laughing.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I hope karma slaps you in the face before I do.

Sarcasm .:- bacause beating the crap out of people is illegal.

A politician was seated next to a little girl on an plane when he turned to her and said.

Let's talk. I have heard that flights go faster if you talk to your fellow passengers.

The little girl, closed her book that she had just opened, said to the stranger.

What would you like to talk about?

Oh, I don't know,

said the politician,

How about global warming or universal health care?

He replied smugly.

Ok, those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff.
Grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you supposed that is?

The little girl asks.

The politician surprised by the little girl question, thinks about it and says.

Humm, I have no idea.

The girl replies

Do you really feal qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Bumper Sticker .:- If you can read this I'm not impressed. Most people can read.

Never stand between me and my coffee!

When you think you are screwed, just think we are all on a big wet ball, floating in the dark.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow!

I an not deep,
I am not an intellectual,
I am not an artist,
I am not a critic,
I am not a poet,
I just have internet access!

Excuse me. which level of hell is this?

Your face is just fine, just put a bag over that personality.

If you are confused and agitated then my job here is done.

If you have not grown up by aged 50 then don't have to.

Stupidity should be painful.

No women has ever shot a man whilst he was doing the washing up.

Bumper Sticker .:- If you can read this I'm not impressed. Most people can read.

Don't mess with me. I know karate,kung fu,judo,tae kwon do, jujitsu and 30 other dangerous words!

Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog!

Gone Insane!  Back Soon. :)

I always five 100% to work.
15% on Monday
20% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday.

Life is short. Smile whilst you still have teeth!

Cleaning a house while the kids are at home is like shovelling snow whilst it is still snowing!

Organisations .:- When the top guys look down they see shit heads, when the bottom level guys look up all they see is ass holes.

Being powerful is like being a Lady. If you have to tell people you are then you are not!

If only closed minds came with closed mouths!

Poor (adj) .:- When you have too much month at the end of your money.

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers whet you did except you!

Don't be so serious, if you cannot laugh at yourself, call me, I will laugh at you!

A boss is like a nappy, always on your ass and full of shit!

Ever looked at your ex and wondered. 

Was I drunk the entire relationship?

Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, we have always been taught to give out used toys to the less fortunate.

How to handle stress like a dog! If you cannot eat it, or play with it, them pee on it and walk away.

I love the ones who are in my life and make it amazing and I thank the ones who left my life and made it even better.

Wipe your mouth there is still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

Stress the confusion created when the mind must override the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately deserves it.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

Sometimes I think that the gene pool could do with a little chlorine!

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. 

When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. 

I wrote down happy. 

They told me I didn't understand the assignment. 

I told them they did understand life.

Drink Coffee Do stupid things faster.

Teenagers! 

Tired of being harassed by your parents! 

ACT NOW!! 

Move out. Get a job; Pay your bills while you still know everything.

Don't mix between my personality and attitude. My personality stays with me, but my attitude depends on you.

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less room you will have to love in the present.

Please don't lie to me unless you're sure I will never find out the truth.

Experience is what you get when you don't stop trying.

Throughout my life, I have always been afraid of losing people I love. Sometimes I wonder is there anyone out there afraid to loose me?

Positive thought for the day, when you feel that nobody loves you, nobody cares for you, everyone is ignoring you, and people are jealous of you. You should really ask yourself

Am I too sexy?

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Don't let your years slip through your fingers by living in the past, nor in the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

If you cannot afford a doctor go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you'll get a free colonoscopy.

Expect the best, be prepared for the worst, fuck what other think & do your own thing.

F*CK C#NS@RSH!P

Just had to laugh at this, because it did not get published to Twitter of or to Facebook.

¡¡So it was censored!!

Look at the bright side. At least Mondays only happen once a week!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

I may never be good enough for some, but I'll be the best for those who deserve me!

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I am trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass!

I got a new stick deodorant. The instructions said Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Man’s guide to love and lasting relationships

1. Find a woman who makes you laugh. 
2. Find a woman who has a job and loves housework. 
3. Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot. 
4. Find an honest woman. 
5. Find a woman who is good in bed. 

Most of all it is very important that these five women never meet.

A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she is until you put her in hot water.

A house hold hint. Stop dusting and you can use your coffee table as a message board.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live!

Don't let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

Marrage

In a relationship, married or not. You should read this!
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down out side the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? 

The father, surprised, answers,

Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions

Onions?

Yes, you see them and they make you cry. 

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,

Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there? 

The mother smiles and answers,

Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree?

Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!

Never stand between me and my coffee!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I like small children - but I couldn't eat a whole one.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

The measure of a mature person is not how well they prepare for everything to go right, but on how they stand up and move on after everything goes wrong.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Tell me, I'll forget; Explain to me, I'll remember; Involve me, I'll understand.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Garden Path Sentence

My next series is called 'garden path sentence' an example is "She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." - P. G. Wodehouse

From wikipedia

A garden path sentence is a grammatically correct sentence that starts in such a way that the readers' most likely interpretation will be incorrect; they are lured into an improper parse that turns out to be a dead end. Garden path sentences are used in psycholinguistics to illustrate the fact that when they read, human beings process language one word at a time. "Garden path" refers to the saying "to be led down the garden path", meaning "to be misled". According to current psycholinguistic theory, as a person reads a garden path sentence, the reader builds up a structure of meaning one word at a time. At some point, it becomes clear to the reader that the next word or phrase cannot be incorporated into the structure built up thus far: it is inconsistent with the path they have been led down. Garden path sentences are less common in spoken communication because the prosodic qualities of speech (such as the stress and the tone of voice) often serve to resolve ambiguities in the written text.

Brains Of Britain - Steve Wright In The Afternoon (BBC Radio 2)

Steve Wright In The Afternoon (BBC Radio 2)
Steve Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

Brains Of Britain - The Vault

The Vault
Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

Brains Of Britain - Phil Wood Show (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood Show (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Er... ..... ..

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . .. . Kor .

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . ..

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .. ...

Contestant:

Walked?

Brains Of Britain - Daryl Denham's Drivetime (Virgin Radio)

Daryl Denham's Drivetime (Virgin Radio)
Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland ?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant:

Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

Brains Of Britain - Lunchtime Show (BRMB)

Lunchtime Show (BRMB)
Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

Brains Of Britain - Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle)

Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle)
Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

Brains Of Britain - Chris Searle Show (BBC Radio Bristol)

Chris Searle Show (BBC Radio Bristol)
Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:

Japan ..

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:

Er ....... Mexico ?

Brains Of Britain - James O'Brien Show (LBC)

James O'Brien Show (LBC)
James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

Brains Of Britain - The Biggest Game In Town (ITV)

The Biggest Game In Town (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

Brains Of Britain - Rock FM (Preston)

Rock FM (Preston)
Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Brains Of Britain - National Lottery (BBC1)

National Lottery (BBC1)
Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific..

Brains Of Britain - Richard And Judy

Richard And Judy
Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. ... ...

Richard:

He makes bread . . ..

Contestant:

Er .. .......

Richard:

He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:

Kipling Street ?

Brains Of Britain - Lincs FM Phone-In

Lincs FM Phone-In
Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona ..

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...

Brains Of Britain - Richard And Judy

Richard And Judy
Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

Brains Of Britain - GWR FM (Bristol)

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Brains Of Britain - Phil Wood Show (BBC Radio Manchester)

Phil Wood Show (BBC Radio Manchester)
Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

Brains Of Britain - University Challenge

University Challenge
Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

Brains Of Britain - Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton)

Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Brains Of Britain - The Weakest Link (BBC2)

The Weakest Link (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

Brains Of Britain - Late Show (BBC Midlands)

Late Show (BBC Midlands)
Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France ..

Alex Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Alex Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Alex Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris ..

Brains Of Britain - Beg, Borrow Or Steal (BBC2)

Beg, Borrow Or Steal (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

Brains Of Britain - BBC Norfolk

BBC Norfolk

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong.

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

Brains Of Britain - University Challenge (BBC2)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? 

Contestant:

Homosexuals.. 

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

Brains Of Britain

This next series of short clips are taken from programs (radio and TV) in the UK.

Some of the contestants responses will leaving thinking how did this person survive long enough to be able to talk let alone appear on a quiz show!
So here goes

Interesting Facts

Here are some interesting facts, I will not guarantee that they are all true, but they are a bit of fun.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Hardly seems worth it.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Now that's more like it!

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

O.M.G.!

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

In my next life, I want to be a pig.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

Creepy.I'm still not over the pig.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

Honey, I'm home . What the...?

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Something I always wanted to know.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Hmmmmmm.......

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

Okay, so that would be a good thing.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

I know some people like that.

Starfish have no brains.

I know some people like that, too.

Polar bears are left-handed.

If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?

Extracts From Letters Written To Local Councils:

Extracts From Letters Written To Local Councils:


These are all genuine extracts form letters sent to local councils.

• It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.  My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp.  We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
• I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
• He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more!

Words Of Wisdom

Words Of Wisdom - Aspire to inspire before you expire.

The Best Short Joke This Year!

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Answer Message

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

Customer Complaints

A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

Elders

Elders
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

Words Of The Day - Dickinson Holiday.

Dickinson Holiday - That unmistakable orange glow of the fake tan that has been put on a little to strongly.

Words Of The Day - The Irony Of Life.

The Irony Of Life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

Word Of The Day - Frustration.

Frustration - is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Words Of The Day - Millennium Domes.

Millennium Domes - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

Words Of The Day - Picasso Bum.

Picasso Bum - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Words Of The Day - Tramp Stamp.

Tramp Stamp - Tattoo on lower back of a female.

Words Of The Day - Tart Fuel.

Tart Fuel - Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

Words Of The Day - Mystery Bus.

Mystery Bus - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Words Of The Day - Monkey Bath.

Monkey Bath - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

Words Of The Day - Stress, Tension And Panic.

What's The Difference Between Stress, Tension And Panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

Word Of The Day - Greyhound.

Greyhound - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Words Of The Day - The Oh-No Second.

Words Of The Day - The Oh-No Second. - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

Words Of The Day - Percussive Maintenance.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Word Of The Day - Blamestorming.

Blamestorming - Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Word Of The Day - Testiculating.

Testiculating - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

Words Of The Day - Aeroplane Blonde.

Aeroplane Blonde - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

Words Of The Day - Swamp Donkey.

Swamp Donkey - A deeply unattractive person.

Words Of The Day - Prairie Dogging.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

Redesign of site

Well that is better. I did not think much of the design that was there.
:)
It is good what you can come up with when you have a few minutes to spare and some incentive to do it.

Words Of The Day - Cube Farm.

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Words Of The Day - Salmon Day.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

Words Of The Day - Seagull Manager.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

Summer Classes for Women

Summer Classes for Women
THE BRISTOL ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By Friday May 20th 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.

Class 1 - Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2 - Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 - Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?

Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 - Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 - Curling Tongs -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

At 7:00 PM

Class 6 - How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 - Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 - Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 - I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 - How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 - Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Wind shield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 - How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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