Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not just surrounded by assholes, - William Gibson

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the lif that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

If you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.

Did you know? An average four-year old child asks 437 questions a day. It's not easy being a parent!

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I'd love to punch in the face.

Cooking Rules. If at first you don't succeed, order pizza.

I'm not really good at giving advice. Do you want a sarcastic comment?

I've learned so much from my mistakes. I'm thinking of making a few more.

If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.

All you need is love ... and a dog.

Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. - Voltaire

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Try organic food, or as your grandparents called it "Food"

I am not 50. I am 18 with 32 years experience.

I drink coffee for your protection

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a f*ing call centre that turned out to be in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. B*AT*RDS !!!

Certain shit I just can't put up with, so certain people I just don't deal with.

A lady asks a man at a bar what he's drinking,

Magic Beer 

he says.

What so magic about it? 

she asks.
He gets up and flies around the room.
The lady says

I'll have what he's having.

Then she climes to the roof, jumps, and falls to her death.
The bartender looks at the guy ans says.

Superman, your such a jerk when you are drunk.

You are only jealous because the little voice only talk to me

Yoo Hoo! Has anybody seen my sanity?

My inner child thinks you are a big poopy face.

My dog winks at me sometimes, and I always wink back in case it's some kind of code.

Life is full of surprises, but we have no choice except to experience it, suffer it, learn from it and go on.

God grant me the serenity to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones I do like. And the eyesight to tell the difference.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.

Failure lies not in falling, failure lies in not getting back up...

Never hold in your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and make shitty ideas.

If your looking blue, try painting yourself a different colour.

Lie .:- I just got your text. Truth .:- I got it three hours ago but I didn't want to reply.

Respect your parents. They did high school without Google or Wikipedia.