Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

In a democracy, other peoples' freedom of speech needs to be as important to me as my own... otherwise mine is in jeopardy too.

Expect the best, be prepared for the worst, don't care what other think and do your own thing.

Oh no you don''t. You have things to do. Get off the internet.

If you want to give me a piece of your mind. You had better find it first.

To Do List

1. Make a 'to do list' 
2. Check off first thing on the list 
3. Realise you've already accomplished 2 things 
4. Reward yourself wit a bar of chocolate (in progress)

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs. - Thomas Jefferson, (Attributed)

Be as smart as you can, but remember that it is always better to be wise than to be smart. - Alan Alda

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent. - Thomas Jefferson

The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of priveat power to a point where it comes stronger that their democtatic state itself. That in its essence, is fascism - the onership of a government by an individual, by a group. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not just surrounded by assholes, - William Gibson

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the lif that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

If you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.

Did you know? An average four-year old child asks 437 questions a day. It's not easy being a parent!

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I'd love to punch in the face.

Cooking Rules. If at first you don't succeed, order pizza.

I'm not really good at giving advice. Do you want a sarcastic comment?

I've learned so much from my mistakes. I'm thinking of making a few more.

If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.

All you need is love ... and a dog.

Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. - Voltaire

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Try organic food, or as your grandparents called it "Food"

I am not 50. I am 18 with 32 years experience.

I drink coffee for your protection

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a f*ing call centre that turned out to be in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. B*AT*RDS !!!

Certain shit I just can't put up with, so certain people I just don't deal with.

A lady asks a man at a bar what he's drinking,

Magic Beer 

he says.

What so magic about it? 

she asks.
He gets up and flies around the room.
The lady says

I'll have what he's having.

Then she climes to the roof, jumps, and falls to her death.
The bartender looks at the guy ans says.

Superman, your such a jerk when you are drunk.

You are only jealous because the little voice only talk to me

Yoo Hoo! Has anybody seen my sanity?

My inner child thinks you are a big poopy face.

My dog winks at me sometimes, and I always wink back in case it's some kind of code.

Life is full of surprises, but we have no choice except to experience it, suffer it, learn from it and go on.

God grant me the serenity to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones I do like. And the eyesight to tell the difference.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.

Failure lies not in falling, failure lies in not getting back up...

Never hold in your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and make shitty ideas.

If your looking blue, try painting yourself a different colour.

Lie .:- I just got your text. Truth .:- I got it three hours ago but I didn't want to reply.

Respect your parents. They did high school without Google or Wikipedia.

I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritations.

Dear Almost-smeeze, Please stop making me look like I'm having an orgasm. Sincerely, it's really awkward. ^_^

It is a Monday, no questions until I've had my second cup of coffee.

I love the ones who are in my life and make it amazing, and I thank the ones who left my life and made it even more fantastic.

marriage is a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I didn't start trouble. It was already here when I arrived.

Funny how fast you can wake up when you realise you've overslept.

I wish I was a glow work.
A glow worm's never glum,
Cos how can you be grumpy,
When the sun shine out your bum!

Grandad remembers the good old days.
When he was a boy, this mum would send him down to the corner shop with £1 and he would come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a 1lb of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many f*ing security cameras

Thought for the day.:- If you feel like doing some work, sit down, and wait, the feeling does go away.

I'd like mornings better if they started later.

Seen on ebay: Encyclopædia Britannica 32-volume set for sale, not needed as wife knows everything.

Me and you are friends. You smile, I smile. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry, You jump off a bridge, I will miss you on facebook.

Another Facebook privacy setting tip: See where it says "automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exec?" yeah. Well you're going to want to un-click that box.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face with a chair.

I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.

Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one, It's fine to be proud of it, But don't whip it out in public and start waving it around, And DON'T try to shove it down any ones throat!

Admitting you're an asshole is the first step.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

Dear auto correct, stop correcting my swear words you piece of shut.

At my age,

I've seen it all;

I've heard it all;

I've done it all;

I just can't remember it all.

The government today announced that it is changing it's national symbol to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflect the government's political stance.
A condom

• allows for inflation, 
• halts production, 
• destroys the next generation, 
• protects a bunch of pricks, 
• and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed. 

It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

There is no strong beer. Only weal men.

Please pass me that parenting handbook.
I need to smack my kids with it.

A Toddler's 
Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's my hand, it's mine.
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
4. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
5. If its's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question!

My mother taught me about JUSTICE ...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what it's like!"

My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were boor in a barn?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT ...
"If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When the lawn mower cuts your toes off, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop pulling that face, it will freeze that way."

My mother taught me about LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that tree and break your neck. I won't take you to the shops"

My mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't answer back to me!"

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"Just are going to get it when father gets home."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait till your father gets home."

Have you ever noticed, women may not hit harder, but they aim lower.

Telling the truth and making someone cry is better than telling a lie and making some one smile. - Paolo Coelho

The worst kind of pain is when you are smiling just to stop the tears from falling.

The average person tells 4 lies a day or 1460 a year. The most common lie is:
I'm fine.

have you ever noticed? in boring classes/meeting drawing techniques are improved!

:(:
Bipolar

Pain makes you stronger, tears makes you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser, so thank the past for a better future.

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right. Sod the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of LIFE...Getting back up is LIVING....

You never know what you have until you clean your room.

Be very, very careful what you put into your head, because you will never, ever get it out.

Remember; The toes you step on today may be attached to the ass you will have to kiss tomorrow.

Notice

This department requires no physical fitness program

Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing there luck.

Real dogs don't ride in purses!

Mother (noun) .:- One person who does the work of twenty. For free. (See also: 'masochist'. and 'saint')

OH, SO YOU WANT TO ARGUE?
BRING IT ON!
I GOT MY CAPS LOCK ON.

Exercise in the morning, before your brain figures out what you're doing.

Cancel my subscription, I'm tired of your issues.

If you can't win an argument, correct their grammar instead.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

Keep your friends close and your enemies on a limited profile.