I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritations.

Dear Almost-smeeze, Please stop making me look like I'm having an orgasm. Sincerely, it's really awkward. ^_^

It is a Monday, no questions until I've had my second cup of coffee.

I love the ones who are in my life and make it amazing, and I thank the ones who left my life and made it even more fantastic.

marriage is a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I didn't start trouble. It was already here when I arrived.

Funny how fast you can wake up when you realise you've overslept.

I wish I was a glow work.
A glow worm's never glum,
Cos how can you be grumpy,
When the sun shine out your bum!

Grandad remembers the good old days.
When he was a boy, this mum would send him down to the corner shop with £1 and he would come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a 1lb of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many f*ing security cameras

Thought for the day.:- If you feel like doing some work, sit down, and wait, the feeling does go away.

I'd like mornings better if they started later.

Seen on ebay: Encyclopædia Britannica 32-volume set for sale, not needed as wife knows everything.

Me and you are friends. You smile, I smile. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry, You jump off a bridge, I will miss you on facebook.

Another Facebook privacy setting tip: See where it says "automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exec?" yeah. Well you're going to want to un-click that box.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face with a chair.

I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.

Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one, It's fine to be proud of it, But don't whip it out in public and start waving it around, And DON'T try to shove it down any ones throat!

Admitting you're an asshole is the first step.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

Dear auto correct, stop correcting my swear words you piece of shut.

At my age,

I've seen it all;

I've heard it all;

I've done it all;

I just can't remember it all.

The government today announced that it is changing it's national symbol to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflect the government's political stance.
A condom

• allows for inflation, 
• halts production, 
• destroys the next generation, 
• protects a bunch of pricks, 
• and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed. 

It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

There is no strong beer. Only weal men.

Please pass me that parenting handbook.
I need to smack my kids with it.

A Toddler's 
Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's my hand, it's mine.
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
4. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
5. If its's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question!

My mother taught me about JUSTICE ...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what it's like!"

My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were boor in a barn?"